Friday, 8 January 2010

True Stories

Here's one from a young man who spent a magical evening with Celebrity Big Brother's Ekaterina Ivanova...

 I hear you have a story about Ekaterina Ivanova?
I took her home once yeah, she’s an odd one. It’s pretty mad seeing her on TV at the moment, it was mad enough seeing her on the paper over a year ago. Now she’s on Big Brother I guess that makes the story even better…
Yeah she's mad famous now, maybe the story will be worth something…
No way would I sell the story it’s really not something I’d want to get known for, plus it would probably prevent me from ever getting laid again.
Ok fair enough, so how did you meet her?
 I met her when I was drunk in a crappy indie club, I think she was probably wasted too, everyone was leaving and she was walking with the people I was with. I ducked into a doorway to catch a reach and she kinda pounced on me, I wasn’t gunna argue as she definateley isn’t ugly. We did that horrible drunk getting off at the back of the nightbus, the sort of thing I normally shout abuse at people for doing.
Yeah I'd have thrown chips at you. So what happened next?
We got back to mine, I might as well go into the gross details as that’s what you want… She started fingering herself on my bed and I was thinking I’d be a fool not to lend her a hand, but there was this well funny smell, kinda like cheesy Wotsits. I have a pretty messy bedroom but I’ve never left cheesy Wotsits lying around. I was pretty drunk and figured she had a pack in her bag or something, we carried on for a bit then I went to the bathroom and noticed the smell was still lingering, I sniffed my fingers and nearly threw up.
Why did she smell of Wotsits!?
I have a friend who slept with her after and he also agreed she smelled like them, I later described it to an STD doctor he said it sounded like either herpes or warts.
Rough. What happened next?
Well I was pretty repelled, but I’m still a red blooded male, she must have been around 18 at the time and she had the biggest tits I’ve encountered to this day, I remember taking off her bra and thinking “Holy shit!”
Wow you’re not wrong about that…
Shit that photo brings back memories, more impressive in the flesh though… Anyway so I was thinking that I didn’t really want to bone her. Although seeing big brother I regret not tapping her, but I was happy to let her toss me off.
 To any girls reading this, I’m not a cunt honestly, but there’s a way to toss of a guy and there’s a way not to. Now there’s a lot of girls who aren’t too great at it, but who cares its a girls hand on your cock right? Well not if they think it’s a good idea to fucking dig their nails in and scrape your main vein. Some guys might be into that, but it’s where the bloods coming from and it fucking hurt, so instant deflate. Time to turn onto your front and pretend to be asleep till they leave you alone...
How was the next day?
She was weird. She kept on sleeping and wouldn’t leave. My friend was round and was like “What’s wrong with you? You have a pretty girl in your bedroom and your avoiding it.” I couldn’t explain at that point that she’d tried to rip off my cock vein.
Later on she came into the front room I decided to leave her there with my friends watching TV and go to the shop in the hope she would just leave. I spent ages in the shop, I came back and she was still there asleep on my sofa. My flat mates were pissed off with me for not being a man about it, but they didn’t want to be in the room with her either..
 I was told the right thing to do would be to walk her to the tube station, you do that with sane girls, eventually she left.


  1. wouldnt believe all of this. this guys known for telling a few porkies.

    cant keep your mouth shut again i see.........typical snitch

  2. a few of ATG fucked this one as well, Broe ATG went out with her for about 4 months then she started seeing one of the dj's or something fucking cheesy watzits hahaha